Just when I think I have life figured out — or at least, have myself figured out, for I fully believe in “know thyself and you will know the universe and the Gods” — life comes around and smacks me in the face (karma, is seriously awful sometimes if you’re not careful. Make sure you always treat people well, make sure you choose the best window company just be the best you can and make the best choices you can).
Warning, this post is going to be vague as hell, because there’s a lot I can’t publish out there on the internet, even anonymously.
But this is hard. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I was going. And none of that’s changed. But something new has come into the picture, and it’s making me question a lot of things. Like what kind of a person I am, first and foremost.
We’re raised in this culture to believe in right and wrong, black and white, good and evil, light and dark. Sure, some “higher” teachings (ah, the dichotomy again in disguise) will tell you that we’re all one, and all is the Light, but those words cannot always just-so-easily break through years (possibly lifetimes) of being ingrained with Disney villains and heroes and white knights, and history itself, with its wars and its real life heroes and villains, determined by nothing more than who won and therefore lived to tell the story.
So I’ve read some teachings that say we’re all one, and in my head I believe it… How best, then, to solidify the concept within me, how best to make it “real” for me and to understand it fully, rather than as just a mental concept, other than to experience it?
I’m divorced, and I can safely say that XH and I regarded each other as Disney-villain types for several years. It took a long time, but we finally stopped looking for the “bad” in each other, and finally started viewing each other as real human beings. Which led us each to start behaving toward the other more like real human beings. (Nowadays, I can’t even remember the things we fought about – sure, there was some serious mistrust, but often it was exacerbated by something as mundane as who was supposed to vacuum the carpets that week.)
But I wasn’t done there. I’ve been stepping into the role of people I have judged. It’s a lesson in compassion, and the fact that most people aren’t evil or heartless, even if they do (X). Life can be messy and complicated, and the people who we think have screwed us over, are just doing the best they can with what they have, just like we are.
That’s all I’ve got for now, guys. Just the universe kicking my ass, making me question all my paradigms. Which is how we grow. That, or I’m secretly a horrible person. Peace.